Cricket's Biscuits/Transcript
Green's house, backyard (Episode title appears as mud on the back window; mud splatters.) Cricket and Tilly: (offscreen) Wheeeeee!!!/Whoooo-hoo!!! Bill: (opens window) Hey! Cricket, Tilly, what are y'all doin'?!?! (Zoom out to reveal Cricket and Tilly doing donuts on Bill's tractor.) Cricket and Tilly: Yeah!/All right!/Whoo-hoo! Tilly: We are LIVIN', Papa!! Cricket: Faster, Tilly! Quit holdin' back! Bill: That thing ain't a toy! You're gonna hit a tree if you're not careful! Cricket: (looking back) What'cha say, Dad? (They hit a tree branch; snap to black.) Living room (Cricket and Tilly lie on the couch, completely injured all over and groaning badly.) Bill: (enters with bags of frozen peas and carrots) I'm comin'! I'm comin'! Now who wants peas, and who wants carrots? Cricket, Tilly: Peeeeeaaaaasssss... Bill: Ya can't both have peas! Gramma (OS): Goodness goblin! (enters) Is that my grandchildren, or just roadkill? Tilly: (trying to lift her hand) Gramma...is that you...? Cricket: Gramma, we're in paaaaaiiiiinnnnn...!!! Gramma: Well, that'll teach ya to mess with the tractor! (touches Cricket's elbow) Cricket: Ow. Owwww... Gramma: Huh. You're not playin', are ya? (sighs) All right, let Gramma handle this! Y'all sit tight, I know just what to do! (goes into the kitchen) Cricket, Tilly: Peeeeeaaaaasssss... Bill: Agh, there's just one bag!! (In the kitchen, Gramma adds sugar and eggs to a mixing bowl, then stirs it, and we see the oven ding. Back in the living room, Bill is trying to apply the bag of peas to Tilly's head.) Tilly: Lightly...lightly... OW OW OW!! Bill: Sweetie, I didn't even touch you! (A scene wafts through the room.) Tilly: (sniffs) what is that delicious aroma? Cricket: Huh? I smell it, too. It's comin' from the kitchen! Kitchen (They peek in through the kitchen door) Bill: (sniffs) Could it be? (Reveals a pan with several homemade biscuits on it.) Bill: Feel better butter biscuits! Gramma: Come and get 'em! (They approach her.) Bill: I'll be darned, Ma hasn't made these in years! Gramma: Shh. Don't think, just eat. (Cricket and Tilly shrug and each try a biscuit. They suddenly imagine themselves as pats of butter each being added to one.) Cricket, Tilly: Ahh... (The butter is smeared.) Ahh... (A second biscuit is laid atop each one, also with their faces.) Ahh... (Another chomp, and they are surrounded by pulsing rays of sunlight; back to reality.) Cricket, Tilly: More, please! Gramma: Help yourselves, sweeties. (They happily wolf down the biscuits.) Bill: (chuckles; holds a biscuit) I still remember when you made me feel better biscuits. Gramma: (swipes it back) Well, you're gonna have to keep rememberin' -- this ain't about you. (to the kids) Now, how y'all feelin'? Cricket: (eats the last biscuit) So much better. Tilly: Mmm-hmm! Gramma: Good. And what do we say? Cricket, Tilly: (kiss her cheeks) Thanks, Gramma! Gramma: D'aww, little sugar and spice. Now get outta here, ya scamps! (They run out laughing.) Bill: Uh, what about me? Gramma: You can lick the pan. Bill: I'll take it! Backyard (It is the next day; birds are perched on the roof while one flies past. Cricket is jumping frantically.) Cricket: (gives up and sighs) Nope, still can't fly. Tilly: You got real close that time, though. Cricket: Hmm...maybe if I attach a chicken to each arm? Tilly: Maybe. Cricket: (his stomach growls) Hey, I'm gettin' kinda hungry. Tilly: (puts a snail down) Now that you mention it, so am I. Cricket: You think Gramma would make more of those biscuits? Tilly: I don't see why not, we should go ask! Cricket: Yeah! (jimps; flops down) Oof. Oh, dang it. Almost had it. Hallway, outside Gramma's bedroom (Cricket knocks; Gramma comes out, holding a blowtorch and wearing a head shield and brace; she raises her shield.) Gramma: What do you want? I'm busy. Cricket: Hey, Gramma! It's Cricket and Tilly from a few doors down, and we were just wondering if you could make us some of those delicious Feel Better Butter Biscuits. Tilly: They were so good, and they made us so happy! Gramma: Aww, sweetie, I'd love to! But the answer is no. Tilly: Yaaaa -- huh? Cricket: Why not?! Gramma: Sorry, sweeties! Them's the rules. Now leave me be, I'm in the middle of somethin'. (reenters room) Cricket: Hey Gramma, wait! (He steps one foot inside the near-closed door; Gramma shoots him a cold glare. It isn't long until he anticipates the inevitable.) Cricket: (thrown out) AHH! (hits the wall) Oof. Gramma: My bedroom is PRIVATE PROPERTY, BOY! You know better than to come into my room uninvited! Cricket: I'm sorry, Gramma! We just really want those -- (the door slams on him) Biscuits. (thuds head on door and sighs) Bill (OS): (chuckles) Kitchen (They enter the kitchen to find a smug-looking Bill washing the dishes.) Cricket: Father, why are you laughing? Bill: Don't 'cha get it? You want Gramma's biscuits, you gotta get hurt. Lemme break it down for you. (Flashback: a bandaged Nancy on a hospital bed, a younger Gramma offering her a biscuit.) Bill (VO): Your mom only got 'em once, after that big motorcycle crash? (Bill in the Green's country home, wincing and patting his bandaged hand with his recently severed finger. Gramma comes in with a plate of biscuits for him.) Bill (VO): And I haven't had 'em since I lost my finger to the hay baler. (Flashback ends.) Bill: Those biscuits were so dang good, it made me wanna lose another finger! (omniously, holding a knife) Surely, I don't need all of them... Cricket: Dad, you're right! Tilly, if we want biscuits, we gotta get hurt real bad. Tilly: Sounds like a good plan, brother. Except for the gettin' hurt part, that sounds painful. Cricket: (mischiveously) Well, maybe we don't need to get hurt, maybe we just need to make Gramma think we got hurt. Gramma's bedroom (Gramma is now sitting on her bed petting a sleeping Dirtbag before her.) Gramma: Aww, my little Dirtbag...wake up, little baby! Wake up! WAKE UP! (Dirtbag startles awake) Aww, you're awake? Cricket (OS): AHH! GRAMMA, C'MERE QUICK! HELP ME! Tilly (OS): AHH! GRAMMA! HELP! HELP US! (She goes to the window and sees what appears to be them on top of the apartment building next door.) Gramma: Cricket? Tilly? What are y'all doin'?! You're not supposed to be up there! (Shows they are just mannequins being held by the real kids out of sight.) Cricket: Okay, Tilly. Now! (They toss the mannequins off the roof.) Cricket, Tilly: (stagey) AHHHHHHH!!! Gramma: OH MY GOODNESS! (sees the mannequins bump off the balconies) OH! OH, KIDS! NO! OH, THEIR LITTLE SPINES! (they land on a grill and are burnt) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (they fall off) WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!?!?!?! NOOOOOO!!! (The mannequins finally reach the bottom.) Gramma: Oh no, babies! I'M COMIN'! Apartment ally (Near a dumpster, Cricket and Tilly arrive and toss the broken mannequins inside. They then take the mannequins' places on the ground and act like they're severely injured.) Cricket: Blehhhh! Tilly: (takes a breath) Blehhhh! Gramma: (runs up to them) KIDS! Are you okay!?! Cricket: (stagey) G-Gramma...? Gramma, we don't feel too hot. We could really use some of those biscuits. Gramma: Biscuits come later, my sweet darlings. (looks in a first aid kit) Right now, I need to reset your spines. (She takes out a strange back brace device.) Cricket: (eyes go wide) Do what, now? (She gets it set up.) Gramma: Haven't used this thing since the war. Now hold still. (She hooks Cricket up to the machine and gets ready.) Gramma: I'd say this won't hurt much, but I ain't no liar. Cricket: (moans worryingly) GRAMMA, WE'RE FINE! WE LIED! WE'RE NOT REALLY HURT! Tilly: Dang it, Cricket! We were so close! I mean... (acting) Ohhhh...my bones! They're in disarray! (pauses) Gramma: I can't believe this! You bamboozled me! (shakes Cricket out of the machine and leaves) Cricket: Gramma, no, wait! We just wanted the biscuits! Gramma: Well, the only thing you're gettin' from me is...disappointment. Cricket: Oh...my heart... Tilly: Gramma, please! We're sorry! (She shakes her head at them and leaves.) Cricket (OS): Don't look at me like that! Come on, Gramma! Come on! Tilly (OS): No, no, no, no, no, come on! Cricket, Tilly (OS): Aww...!!! Cricket: Well, that was a bust. Tilly: Cricket, we gotta do somethin'! Our bodies' rejectin' all other foods! (tries to eat a corncob but can't) Ahh...ahh. I need those biscuits! Cricket: Y'know what? We don't need Gramma to make biscuits for us; we can make 'em ourselves! Tilly: I like where your head's at, brother! Green's house, kitchen Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:C Category:A-Z